Conversational Narcissism- Do you make your conversations all about you?

While I typically avoid trendy made up mental health terminology, this one caught my attention.

Conversational narcissism involves a tendency to steer the focus of a conversation back to one's own experiences, opinions, or interests, at the expense of the other person's contributions. The conversation becomes less about two or more people engaging in a conversation and more about one person monopolizing the time and attention.

This is not a post that will discuss why people monopolize conversations or why people can't seem to stop turning conversations towards themselves. And it's not a post that will tell you how to manage those conversations. Instead, this post is meant to encourage you to find self awareness to make sure YOU aren't the one communicating this way.

How do you know if you're engaging in conversational narcissism? It can be hard to tell because in the moment you're getting attention, being listened to, and it probably feels good. And most likely, no one will tell you about your crappy conversational skills.

Here are some tips for self reflection:

• Pay attention to how often you say "I", "Me", or "My" vs how often you say "You". Is it nearly balanced? Or are you saying too much about you and not enough about them?

• When someone shares something about them, do you think about what they're saying from their perspective or are you thinking about your own? For example, if someone says, "I ate a peanut butter sandwich for lunch today", is your response something like, "Oh yeah? Was it good?" or is your response more like, "I don't like peanut butter" or "Lucky you, I didn't have time to eat lunch today". When you respond like the latter two, what's likely to happen next? The other person will ask what you did eat or why your day was so busy. Was their peanut butter sandwich even the point of their story? You'll never know because you just stole focus off of what the person wanted to tell you, and instead shifted the conversation solely on you.

• When you say something about yourself, do you keep the attention on yourself? Or do you make sure you switch back to asking the other person questions about themself? Conversation should be like a game of catch, not a game of keep away.

• When you're in a conversation on a topic someone else brought up and you share your opinion, are you sure your opinion was wanted? Did you bring up a personal story to enhance whatever the other person was saying, or did you share your own story because you felt like sharing your story?

• Thinking back on conversations, do you remember what the other person told you? Do you think you know what point(s) they were trying to make? Or do you only remember your contributions?

• When the other person is speaking, are you genuinely listening? Are you interested or at least respectfully showing interest in what they're saying? Are you thinking about what they're saying and asking questions for details or clarification? OR are you thinking about what you're going to say next, how it relates to you, and sharing your own similar experiences? If you're thinking about what you want to say next, you can't possible be truly engaged. You and the other person are basically talking at each other rather than with.

There are, of course, caveats to this. Engagement does mean a back and forth, and doesn't mean that whoever brings up the topic is the only one who can speak on it. Taking turns sharing your own thoughts and experiences related to that topic is a sign of a good conversation. The issue is, what was the point in bringing up the topic? Was it a time to go back and forth swapping stories? Or is it someone you're just starting to get to know, so sharing stories is essential? Or was it brought up because the person needed to talk to someone? Wanted to share the good or the bad- and if so, did you let them do that?

Another aside is that not everyone who monopolizes conversation does it intentionally. Insecurity, anxiety, and attention deficit naturally lead to inturruptions, poor listening, and a lack of thinking about the other person. This is most definitely something to be aware of versus something to use as an excuse.

We all want to be heard. We all have stories to tell, and we want to be validated and acknowledged. It is certainly possible to listen to someone and acknowledge their story AND share yours. Just sometimes, you need to back off and let someone else go first.